


From the One Who Saw

by TwilaFrost



Series: To the Few I'll Miss [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bullying, Depression, Implied/Referenced Non-Consensual Touching, M/M, Rumors, Sad Miya Atsumu, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:01:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26737066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwilaFrost/pseuds/TwilaFrost
Summary: They say that in times of complete fear are when you’re at your most honest, and Kiyoomi can now agree with that assessment. His entire body pulses with adrenaline, heart pounding in his chest, eyes wild, cold sweat, a sense of impending doom overwhelms him. This man, he can’t die. He reaches the door leading to the roof and bursts through.*********National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: To the Few I'll Miss [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1946026
Comments: 18
Kudos: 306





	From the One Who Saw

**Author's Note:**

> Sakusa's POV of companion piece To the Few I'll Miss  
> A take at an outsider's perspective looking in.
> 
> ***TRIGGER WARNING***
> 
> September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month—a time to share resources and stories in an effort to shed light on this highly taboo and stigmatized topic.
> 
> Here are a few warning signs of suicide:  
> ◦ Increased alcohol and drug use  
> ◦ Aggressive behavior  
> ◦ Withdrawal from friends, family and community  
> ◦ Dramatic mood swings  
> ◦ Impulsive or reckless behavior
> 
> Suicidal behaviors are a psychiatric emergency. If you or a loved one starts to take any of these steps, seek immediate help from a health care provider or call 911:  
> ◦ Collecting and saving pills or buying a weapon  
> ◦ Giving away possessions  
> ◦ Tying up loose ends, like organizing personal papers or paying off debts  
> ◦ Saying goodbye to friends and family
> 
> There are a few ways to approach a suicide-crisis:  
> ◦ Talk openly and honestly. Don’t be afraid to ask questions like: “Do you have a plan for how you would kill yourself?”  
> ◦ Remove means such as guns, knives or stockpiled pills  
> ◦ Calmly ask simple and direct questions, like “Can I help you call your psychiatrist?”  
> ◦ If there are multiple people around, have one person speak at a time  
> ◦ Express support and concern  
> ◦ Don’t argue, threaten or raise your voice  
> ◦ Don’t debate whether suicide is right or wrong  
> ◦ If you’re nervous, try not to fidget or pace  
> ◦ Be patient

Kiyoomi isn’t what you’d call a people person. He’s not friendly or nice in a traditional sense, but he does observe. His anxiety demands that he be aware of his surroundings at all times. Where are the exits? Who’s close to him? How many people are in the room? It’s a compulsion, he has to know. So it’s only natural that he notices the behavior of those around him as well and when current behaviors do not correlate with previous ones. 

Others aren’t his concern, as long as it doesn’t affect him in any way. But when a person is part of his daily routine, it starts to affect him; it becomes his concern. When faced with a problem, there’s a logical way to approach it. But people? People are strange. They don’t follow any logic. So how do you approach someone when they are completely off the rails? What cause and effect will that make? 

So he watches, trying to establish a coherent way to solve this problem. It should be easy, this problem. But it’s delicate, he’s sure. What happened? Something has to have happened. Nothing devolves like this overnight. 

It’s when alarm bells begin ringing in the back of his head that he must step out of his comfort zone. Observing can only go so far, action must be taken. He can’t keep wondering if this will sort itself out. He just hopes it’s not too late.

Kiyoomi’s feet bound up the stairs two at a time. This can’t be happening. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He suspected something, but not this! They say that in times of complete fear are when you’re at your most honest, and Kiyoomi can now agree with that assessment. His entire body pulses with adrenaline, heart pounding in his chest, eyes wild, cold sweat, a sense of impending doom overwhelms him. This man, he can’t die. He can’t do that to Kiyoomi! He reaches the door leading to the roof and bursts through.

\---  
4 Years Ago

They’re waiting on Kageyama to come back with another setter. The decision to play a practice match before dinner was spontaneous, but Kiyoomi is here anyway. Even if Motoya hadn’t nagged him to play, it honestly wouldn’t have been that hard for someone to coerce him to participate, he loves volleyball too much. Hence why he is about to play this stupid match with the others at the All-Japan Youth Training Camp.

He’s not shocked when Miya appears with Kageyama in tow. Unfortunately, that means he’s stuck with the man on his team for the time being. Miya’s not a bad setter, actually he’s a great setter. Kiyoomi just has an issue with his shitty personality. He’s too loud and asks invasive questions. Annoying is a good word to describe him. The smile he wears is so obviously fake, and Kiyoomi has no time for fake people. It’s amazing how many people really buy into this guy’s bullshit. 

Miya tosses to him as he runs up to spike, but ultimately Kiyoomi stops and lets the ball hit the floor. 

“What the hell, Omi-kun?” Miya is giving him the stink eye with his hands on his hips.

“That was a shitty toss.”

The setter balks. “No it wasn’t! You’re a scrub if ya couldn’t hit that!”

“I could’ve hit it, but I chose not to.”

“Why ya- You’re a piece of work, ya know that?!” Miya approaches and looks like he’s about to shove him. 

“Don’t touch me with your disgusting hands.” Kiyoomi swears he sees the setter flinch.

“Ah, sorry Omi-kun. I wasn’t gonna touch ya.” 

If there’s one positive thing he can say about Miya Atsumu’s personality, it’s that he’s surprisingly respectful of Kiyoomi’s space. It’s unusual how he backs down from their petty argument so easily, though. 

Kiyoomi doesn’t dwell on it. 

Watching Karasuno defeat Inarizaki is surprising, but nobody can predict the outcome of a match. This is the team that beat Wakatoshi-kun after all. No one except Kageyama really sticks out as anyone worth mentioning, though. The orange haired kid can jump, sure, but he can’t receive. The way that they evolve throughout the match is somewhat interesting he supposes. 

Feeling the need to properly wash his hands after one too many encounters with germ covered surfaces, Kiyoomi walks to find a bathroom that’s a good way away from the general populace. Sometimes hand sanitizer just doesn’t cut it, even though public restrooms are the worst. But soap is soap. Actually no, his moisturizing antibacterial soap at home is far superior. 

Stopping before the door, he can hear someone inside crying. Loudly. Kiyoomi curls his nose. This isn’t a situation he wants to get involved with; crying people are gross. They always have snot running down their noses and wipe it on their sleeves. Disgusting. Maybe they’re in a stall, and he can just ignore it. It’s not his business after all. And he did walk all the way here. Ignoring the crier to wash his hands in a relatively private bathroom eventually overrules his desire to not place himself near the situation.

Imagine his surprise when the culprit is Miya Atsumu hunched in the corner sitting on the dirty floor. Those aren’t normal tears for losing a game. Miya isn’t even a third year who just played their last game. Why is he way over here and not with his team? 

“Miya, what the hell are you doing? Get off that disgusting floor,” Kiyoomi says, making an effort to not sound like a complete asshole.

Miya’s head pops up in surprise, he tries to wipe away the tears still tracking down his face. It doesn’t help. 

“I’m fine right here, thanks.” His voice is hoarse and cracks at the end.

Those are “I’m in pain” tears, Kiyoomi realizes. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s not the most empathetic person, obviously. Maybe he should tell his brother. With a plan, he leaves to find the other Miya. 

After a good while looking, he can’t find the other Miya or anyone from Inarizaki actually. That’s weird, right? Maybe they are looking for their setter? Kiyoomi feels the urge to at least check on him again for some bizarre reason. 

When he returns, the setter is gone.

Kiyoomi doesn’t see Miya again personally until the next All-Japan Youth Training Camp. The blonde is resting against a wall looking relaxed. And isn’t that strange. Miya isn’t really one to take breaks, especially when camp hasn’t even started. Usually he’s over with the other extroverts or trying to goad Kageyama. Or annoying Kiyoomi, can’t forget that one. He’s still looking at the setter when he makes eye contact with him. Why do Miya’s shoulders stiffen? Why does he hastily walk over to the forming group? Usually he would make a dumb joke about Kiyoomi watching him. Why is Kiyoomi thinking about this? 

Later in the week, Kageyama is sitting alone at a table eating quietly, so this is where Kiyoomi chooses to sit as well. The younger teen nods at him with a mouth full of noodles. Gross. A phone dings to his left. Now Kiyoomi isn’t typically a nosy person. He expects privacy, so he gives everyone else that courtesy in return. What compels him to glance over at the phone, he doesn’t know; but when he catches a glimpse of the word whore, he slides the cell closer.

**Unknown Sender:** You’re such a whore. Heard you even fucked…

The phone is swiped from right underneath his nose. He looks up to see Miya, who isn’t facing him. What the fuck did he just read? Even if it’s just a text preview, it said enough. What the hell happened?

“Miya?” He asks tentatively. 

He hopes he’ll turn around and tell him that it’s just a wrong number. However, Miya does neither and dashes out of the cafeteria. Kiyoomi is too taken aback to follow him. Maybe he’s just embarrassed, but who gives a fuck if he sleeps around? Apparently whoever sent that text does. Although, he feels like there’s something more to it. Miya isn’t one to typically get embarrassed. Or run away.

“What’s his deal?” Kageyama asks. Shit, Kiyoomi forgot he was still there.

“He got an upsetting text message.” Well, it’s not a lie.

The other setter hums. “Last year he threw his phone against the wall.”

Last year? It’s probably not related. But he remembers finding Miya in the bathroom at Nationals. Fuck. Is there something bigger going on here? It’s not Kiyoomi’s business, he reminds himself. Unless Miya says something to him for some reason, he’s not going to get involved. Osamu surely has it managed. 

Then why does Kiyoomi keep thinking about it? 

When Itachiyama wins Nationals, Kiyoomi feels satisfied with how his high school volleyball career has ended. Across the net, Miya is pulling at his hair and crying. He still played well, he shouldn’t be trying to make his scalp bleed.

“Good game, Miya,” he says.“Your team played well.”

Miya gives him a teary smile. “Thanks, Sakusa.” 

Kiyoomi is surprised at the genuine display. The setter looks so vulnerable. He’s not sure what else to say, so he nods and walks back to his team.

Later, he’s walking past the bathroom when he hears someone yelling. 

“What are ya talkin’ about?!”

He recognizes Miya’s voice immediately. He seems distraught. Is Kiyoomi seriously about to walk in on this confrontation? 

“Did you seriously cheat on Kita-senpai?! That’s why he was so upset after he broke up with you?” 

After hearing the pure anger in the unknown man’s voice, he decides that he is. Miya owes him. Walking into the bathroom he sees Miya pinned against the wall with wide eyes. What the fuck? 

“Aran, no of course not! I’d never-” Miya is cut off as the man he vaguely recognizes shakes him with excessive force. 

“Don’t you dare lie to me! I want to hear the truth!” 

“I am tellin’ ya the truth!”

Kiyoomi needs to shut this down. This could get ugly. Why is one of his old teammates acting like this anyway? “If you’re going to fight, take it outside.” 

Both men immediately stop shouting. The larger man lets Miya go with a hard glare and leaves the restroom. Kiyoomi turns to Miya to get answers. 

“Miya, did something happen? Wasn’t that one of your old teammates?” 

He plasters on one of those fake smiles. “Nothin’ for ya to worry ‘bout, Omi-kun!” 

Kiyoomi tries to analyse his face. His eyes look dull, there’s no hint of the usual brightness, and even that fake grin seems strained. Something’s wrong, and it really unnerves him. He wants to say something, but he doesn’t want to make assumptions either. Miya would just get pissy. Apparently he takes too long, because Miya flees out the door. He goes to follow, but the setter has disappeared into the crowd. 

Kiyoomi doesn’t get the chance to talk to him again. 

That night, the incident replays in his mind over and over. Why does it bother him so much? He doesn’t even know Miya that well. Though it seems every time he sees the other teen, something negative follows him. Is it just coincidence? Why does he keep thinking about it? It’s doubtful he’ll see Miya again, at least for a long time. 

\---  
Two Months Ago

Atsumu hasn’t shown up to practice again. This is the third day in a row. So that’s why he’s currently banging on his apartment door. He calls the little shit’s phone and hears it ringing. 

“Miya! Answer this goddamn door! I can hear your stupid ringtone, so I know you’re in there!” He doesn’t hear any movement from the other side. Even before this disappearing act, the setter has been acting a bit off. Kiyoomi would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little worried. “I will call your brother!” 

It’s a threat that the team uses to get his ass into gear. It’s surprisingly effective, even now as he hears feet dragging across the floor. Then the door cracks open.

“What, Omi-kun?”

When Kiyoomi gets a good look at Atsumu, he knows his worry isn’t misplaced. Not only is his personal hygiene obviously lacking, but he has huge bags under his red rimmed eyes. His face is sallow, and he looks practically dead on his feet. 

“What’s going on? You look like shit.”

“Nothin’. Thanks for the concern. Now bye.” He clips out and tries to shut the door, but Kiyoomi sticks his foot in the way. No way is this asshole getting out of this. Kiyoomi is getting an answer.

“You haven’t been to practice in three days without any notice. Coach is livid.” The fact that Atsumu hasn’t even notified anyone that he’d be absent is the concerning part. Usually he needs to be forced off of the court, and now no one has seen him in days.

Atsumu shrugs nonchalantly, “I’m sick.” 

Kiyoomi rears back at the thought of being this close to a contagious person, but then logic kicks in. Atsumu is lying through his teeth. He narrows his eyes. “No you’re not. This isn’t how you act when you’re sick.”

“Then how do I act?” Atsumu asks like a petulant child. 

“Like a damn baby. You’re extremely vocal with your whining.” 

“I’ll be back tomorrow,” Atsumu growls out suddenly and shuts the door in Kiyoomi’s face. 

What the fuck? Did he seriously slam the door in his face? This isn’t Atsumu’s normal behavior. He’s not an overly aggressive person, but he literally just growled? And his mood was all over the place. Should he knock again? He holds his hand up to rap on the door. The setter probably won’t answer. Dropping his hand, he lets out a deep sigh and walks to his own apartment door. Maybe he should just ask Osamu if something is going on.

Over the last month, Atsumu’s mood has not improved. Kiyoomi has been watching him, and he’s not sure what to do. The man is obviously depressed, as this has been going on for a while. And a terrible realization hit him one night that this isn’t the first time he’s seen Atsumu like this. Being in close proximity to him every day makes all the things he saw in high school blaringly obvious. But how do you ask a person about something like that? Kiyoomi knows he’s blunt, so he’s not quite sure if he’s the right person to approach him. 

So he pays a visit to Onigiri Miya to ask Osamu what he knows about it. Kiyoomi might seem devoid of emotions, but it’s hard to see a teammate (and friend) look like that. He is a human being and not a complete robot. 

Kiyoomi walks straight up to the counter and seems to surprise Osamu by his presence.

“Sakusa, what can I get for ya?”

“Actually I’m here about your brother.”

The restaurant owner lets out a long sigh, “What’s he done now?”

Seeing no reason to beat around the bush he asks, “Does he have a history with depression?”

This immediately gets the other man’s full attention. “What’s wrong? Did somethin’ happen?”

“Well, not exactly but-” Kiyoomi goes on to explain Atsumu’s behavior. With each sentence, Osamu’s face seems to grow more grim. “I noticed a few things in high school, too.” 

Osamu sighs with a sad expression and begins. “After Nationals our third year, he started hidin’ in the storage room durin’ lunch. It was awful, the things people would say. And I can’t help but think it’s partly my fault. I never stuck up for him. I didn’t even believe him at first. What kinda twin am I?”

Kiyoomi thinks he knows, but he asks anyway. “What did they say?”

“There were these rumors ‘bout ‘Tsumu lettin’ people do these terrible things to him. I...I don’t know if they’re true. I really wanna believe they’re not, but after the whole Kita thing went down, I-” he pauses to wipe his eyes, “I’m not sure. He was different after that.”

Terrible things? What exactly does that mean? Kiyoomi isn’t sure he wants to know. “What Kita thing?”

“‘Tsumu used to date Kita Shinsuke, our ex-captain. Then one day they broke up right outta the blue. Months later there was this picture of ‘Tsumu and the captain of the soccer team kissin’ along with the idea that he was still datin’ Kita-senpai at the time. That’s when all the rumors started. At least that I know of. I didn’t even ask him if it was true. I jus’ took it at face value. I was so mad at him, but I shoulda asked him. He’s my brother!”

Kiyoomi has a terrible feeling in his gut. He vaguely remembers the yelling in the bathroom from Nationals. “And was it?”

“No. Of course it wasn’t,” Osamu’s shoulders slump. “I eventually asked him, though it was far too late. This dickhole forced him and then blackmailed him. If he’dve still been in school I’da ripped his dick off.”

Wait… Forced? “He forced him? Just the kiss? Nothing else happened, right?” God this was so much worse than he thought.

Osamu’s eyes widen in horror. “Oh my God! He-he never said! I never asked! Oh my God!” A tear trails down his face as he struggles to calm his breathing. “I’m literally the worst brother.”

“What should I do?”

The other man looks at him with wide glassy eyes. “I-I don’t know.” 

Leaving the restaurant, Kiyoomi feels more uncertain than before. Atsumu has been carrying all this with him for years. So how can he help unpack all that? It’s a lot. And there’s probably more. This is so fucked up. 

“Tsum-Tsum, aren’t you going to order?” Bokuto asks. 

Kiyoomi, Atsumu, Hinata, and Bokuto are at Onigiri Miya. Bokuto practically manhandled the setter into the seat he currently sits in. It’s been a few days since he came here on his own. Osamu is watching his brother like a hawk. He doesn’t look pleased. 

“No, I’m not hungry,” is the weak reply.

“You look thinner than I remember. You’re not like starving yourself or something are you?” The owl haired man’s expression is filled with genuine worry. 

And it’s true, he does look thinner. It’s not a healthy kind of weight loss. Kiyoomi noticed a week or so ago when they were doing partner stretches. Atsumu practically bit his head off when he commented on it. The fact that Bokuto noticed and Hinata has too by the look on his face, says a lot. He’s not as quick on the court as he used to be. The energy just isn’t there. 

“I’m just not hungry.”

Osamu brings over their orders and one for Atsumu even though he didn’t order anything. He pokes at the onigiri, but doesn’t seem to have any intention of eating it. The four of them are watching Atsumu intently. Kiyoomi isn’t exactly sure what they’re expecting, but he supposes they’re hoping he’ll at least eat a little.

The setter looks up and asks in a small voice, “What?” 

“You shouldn’t play with your food, Miya,” he says hoping it might coerce him to eat. 

However, Atsumu just tucks his hand away in his lap. 

As they wait for their train, the quiet from Onigiri Miya follows them. Kiyoomi usually enjoys silence, but this is uncomfortable. Atsumu’s blank expression stares off into the distance, like he isn’t here with them at all. Something needs to be done, but what can he do? Should he say something? Atsumu’s an adult, he’d go see a professional if it was really bad..right? He doesn’t really understand why Osamu hasn’t asked his brother. Maybe he’s just as unsure as Kiyoomi. There has to be a logical way to go about this properly. Ugh, this is so uncomfortable. His skin feels itchy with the thoughts.

Atsumu starts walking forward on the platform in a trancelike state. Kiyoomi watches him, thinking he might just be heading for the bench. However, the setter walks right past it and closer to the edge. Kiyoomi dashes forward and grabs Atsumu’s left arm as he’s about to cross over the yellow line. A train barrels through moments later. 

What the fuck?! Was he even aware? His eyes look clearer now, out of that trance. He subtly makes eye contact with Hinata and Bokuto. They have shocked expressions and saucer like eyes. The two make their way over to them, probably in fear Atsumu will walk off by accident.

“Careful there, Tsum-Tsum,” Bokuto walks up on Atsumu’s right side and squeezes his shoulder.

“Sorry. Wasn’t paying attention,” he says lamely. Obviously. God, this idiot. What if Kiyoomi hadn’t been paying attention? What if he hadn’t been fast enough? 

No one says anything more on the subject. Kiyoomi wants to ask, but he isn’t sure what to say. Surely Atsumu didn’t do it on purpose. He wouldn’t do that on purpose. Either way, Kiyoomi keeps his hold on the other man for the remainder of their journey back to the complex. 

What is going on in Atsumu’s mind? Will he let Kiyoomi in?

\---  
Present

Looking out at the horizon, the view from here is actually quite nice. Atsumu supposes that it’ll do for a last memory. It sure beats all the words that bounce around in his head. Right now isn’t the time to think about that, though. No, he’s resigned to what’s about to happen. As he begins to climb over the railing, the door leading to the rooftop slams open with a loud bang. 

“Atsumu! Stop! Please!” He hears Sakusa’s voice yelling at him and quickly coming closer.

He’s trying to stop him? But why? No matter, Atsumu has already made up his mind. He’s happy that he can see Sakusa one last time, though. Omi-Omi’s beautiful face is by far the best last memory. He glances over his shoulder to see the man’s distraught expression. Oh. Omi’s upset. Atsumu doesn’t want him to be upset. Why is he upset? He wants Omi to be happy when he’s watching from up in the sky. Atsumu flashes him a sad smile.

_I’m sorry, Kiyoomi._ Atsumu lets go.

**Author's Note:**

> It’s Okay to Talk About Suicide
> 
> It's going to be uncomfortable, but:  
> Be the one to Ask  
> Be the one to Be There  
> Be the one to Keep Them Safe  
> Be the one to Help Them Stay Connected  
> Be the one to Follow Up
> 
> Everyone's pain and hurt is valid.  
> If you ever need help, please, please reach out for help. I promise that someone will listen.


End file.
